Morning Baba

It was in the 7:55 to Central Terminal that I met him. "You will soon be prosperous, but will lose out on the ebay deal.", a voice pronounced in my ear.

A short, stout, saffron robed saint; among the sweaty masses of a damp morning train. Vermilion on the forehead, hair shorn for a Hare Krishna look. The round, chubby face clean shaven, with the second chin wagging to agree with the first when he spoke.

"Are you a face reader?", I asked.
He made a face reserved for the unknown droplets that fall on you in the tunnels.
"No, my son."
"A Palmist then? Or perhaps you read from the shape of the head?"
"Take it easy son. Palmistry, phrenology, tarot.. all are passe. I've studied this science for a long time, and have developed my method. I operate in the rush hour trains. I smell armpits", he said with a quiet dignity.

I brought down my arm from the bar above, and lost my balance. "You what?"

"Armpits, son. The fortunes of today are all written in the underarm." He suddenly raised his voice in a sales pitch.
"Very convenient for daily commuters. Problems in Love? Job? Money? Sex? All problems guaranteed solution. Come to me! Raise your arms, raise your luck!"

"He's good", a guy next to me remarked. "I'm a software engineer. I never had enough time and I never was very good.. but now I get her off in logN time."

The sales pitch worked, and people did a slow trapeze to get to the Armpit Baba. Some even gave up their window seats for a consultation. "Soon my skills will be world famous.. my disciples will spread across the globe foretelling future of the entire commuting mankind...", he started his services.

"I'm going to get a fortune when my wife dies..", a fat man returned happily to his seat.
"Your boss will be out all day after lunch", a bespectacled clerk was told.
"You shall soon be sleeping under the stars.", the Baba told a beaded hippie.
"You too..", he said to a pretty struggling starlet.

I was slowly edged out to the door and onto my platform, thinking about when Armpit Baba's disciples would swarm the rush hour trains.

So if you have a problem, and need help, keep an eye out and an arm up for the Armpit Baba.

He's out there, and he's sniffing.

The Highwayman

The highwayman is a social phenomenon. He forms his band at social gatherings.

There was a time when people who had nothing better to talk about discussed the weather or the water situation. But what with those topics running dry (ha ha), long hours of a dinner party are now spent discussing Interstate routes.

Literature, Art, Cinema, all have taken the backseat due to this rather base topic of discussion. This Pathology has reached such alarming proportions, that people don't dare to talk about anything else lest they be considered wimps.

People ignore the bullet holes on your car, or the deer sticking out of the radiator; But they want to know if you came by the fastest route possible.

There is one man at the party who has complete knowledge of the nations routes. His wife beats him on the head everyday with a cauliflower, but in this conversation he assumes an air of the invincible.

"Oh, you took a long time getting here..", he starts. "I assume you took the turnpike?"
"Umm.. yeah..", the innocent man says.

The highway man lets out a smirk.
"You should have taken the Interstate from exit 64 on the Beltway. 17 South is a much faster way of getting here than the Van Johnson. You can also try the country route 5.."

As the conversation proceeds, onlookers form a circle around the innocent man. They jeer and throw bits of pudding on him. The party is a great success.

The highway man swaggers, with ladies fawning and children wide-eyed.

The party ends. The innocent man slinks away, resolving to memorize the map. The highway man walks out of the door, once again the meek guy living a quiet life of compromise.

A Birthday Ode

Hey Mihika! Happy Birthday
wishes to you I send,
I am sorry, I'm not yet
rich enough to spend.

So I send u lots of love
This 21st of May,
Go Party! Have lots of fun!
on this special day.

They'll say,"You aren't a kid anymore,
and seriously ought to,
be serious, and all grown up"
(Heck- Just read Harry Potter!)

For the b'day gifts you'll get today,
Do thank one and all,
For the big ones give many thanks,
and fewer for the small.

And if u ever wonder how did Dada
write this corny rhyme,
google helped me; and a drink
2 parts vodka, one part lime.

- May 21, 2003

Upcoming Talk

Je suis Marxiste, tendance groucho.

 

* Starring *
------------
Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly, President of Freedonia
Margaret Dumont as Mrs Teasdale, Rich Widow financing the country
and
Chico Marx as Chicolini, the Spy!

(President's office, discussing the threat from Sylvania)

Groucho   : We need more money to fight Sylvania.
Margaret  : Oh.. we have spent all of my dead husbands fortune already..
Groucho   : You couldnt have asked him to work harder, you old nag!
Margaret  : Maybe we could plunder some treasure from the Incas..
Chico     : At'sa okay. I got some Incas at home..
Groucho   : Really?
Chico     : Some blue inca and some black inca, you tella what you want?
Groucho   : You know it pains me to see cannibals go hungry while you're around.

Groucho   : Maybe we should go to the mountains to search for treasure.
Chico     : No, no ,no. It'sa too dangerous.
Groucho   : Why is it dangerous? (lifts eyebrow)
Chico     : Mountain there'sa snow, abyss..
Groucho   : Golly! thats where the abyssinnians live.
Chico     : Avalanche..
Groucho   : Its too early for me.
Chico     : Avalanche!
Groucho   : Okay, don't shout. I'll have some lobster.
Chico     : Oh, you are too shellfish..
Groucho   : Say, can you eat an electric eel? 1
Chico     : Only if you ground it.

Margaret  : (running in) Freedonia has been attacked from air!
Groucho   : (going over to the telephone)  Get me the secretary's underarms. I mean the Under-Secretary of Arms.
Groucho   : (on the phone) I would like to order five Gnats, ten Mosquitoes and ten Stingers for the airforce. Mash them well, and go easy on the sauce.
Margaret  : (wringing hands, agitated) The peasants! They are fighting!
Groucho   : Oh, don't be chicken..
Margaret  : But the peasants are revolting!
Groucho   : I agree, and it would do you well to take a bath too. Chicolini, send a scoop of trouts to investigate, the spooner the better.

Groucho   : (looking out of the window) You know, they have a drink named after the man who conquered that mountain.
Margaret  : A drink?
Groucho   : Sherbet Tenzing.

A Visit to a Madrassa

Not the one where they teach you to have faith in the goodness of all fellow beings and donate to charity; Mind you, this was a real teach-kids-terror Madarassa.

"We have about two hundred and fifty school children here, in various stages of training". My guide started the tour.
"Violence has to be inculcated into the little minds right from childhood. Here we do it through books, films and group activities. You see a bird teaches the fledgling to fly right from when it is an egg."

That was a new one on me. But the school was named Al-Baidaa, so there had got to be something in that.

I passed a group of kids (aged three) watching Tom & Jerry cartoons. A dog was pounding the cat into the meat grinder. "That looks pretty harmless", I ventured. My guide looked at me in a Heh-Heh kind of way. "That is according to the Montessori system."

The next group of kids, five years old, were getting to the real training, he said. As I passed, they chanted out,
'Piggy on the railway, Picking up stones,
Along came an engine And broke poor Piggy's bones.
"Oh" said Piggy, "That's not fair"
"Oh" said the Engine, "I don't care" '

I moved to another group which was practicing killing innocents.
"Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all. "

Some kids were into their Play recess. "Ah, it makes your heart glow to see little kids playing.", my guide said.
The children started..
"Oranges and lemons, Say the bells of St. Clement's...
You owe me ten shillings, Say the bells at St. Helen's.
When will you pay me? Say the bells at Old Bailey.
When I grow rich, Say the bells at Shoreditch....
Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
And here comes a chopper to chop off your head. "

I moved to some older kids reading '1000 Amazing Facts for Children'.
'If all arteries, veins and capillaries from the human body were stretched end to end, they would make a path that could go four times around the moon.'

'The human brain generates enough electricity to power a electric toothbrush.'
I could see some of the kids looking at me with a glint in their eye. I left as fast as I could.

The visit to the terror-training school left me shaken. It is chilling to think of young minds growing up saying such fiendish things.

Aren't you glad your kids are not exposed to such violent literature?

Caps Shift

According to a team of researchers in Thailand, the capital Bangkok has moved nine centimeters (3.5 inches) to the south-west since the huge Indian Ocean earthquake in December. The seismologists claimed that such shifts often take place after major quakes and do not affect local people.

I beg to differ.

With the whole city shifting by 9 cms, all the people in the city are now displaced from their original homes. So Bangkok, is now a city of 'internally displaced' refugees. Quite like Darfur.

GhaatSpaat correspondents talked to some locals to see their reactions.

"I do feel a bit out of place", was the reaction of Mr. Pad Prig who runs a prawns shop in the city.

Kwan Moon, 58, blames the civic officials. "Will you tell them to stop moving the city? I feel giddy enough from the spinning earth anyway."
She is also looking for companionship.

Coomar Mangal, who is of Indian ancestry commented on the south-western shift. "I feel closer to India now", he proclaimed.

In the surrounding areas of Bangkok, people were pleasantly surprised to find nine centimeters added to their land. Ayng Pyongak who has a paddy field on the outskirts of the city was available for comment.
"My dog peed there anyway ", was his enthusiastic reaction.

In any case, this shift is miniscule compared to when the entire village of Nirali-Dhani, Gujarat shifted 7200 miles to Edison, New Jersey in 1987.

I personally, am keeping my bags packed in case Syracuse decides to shift somewhere. They aren't going anywhere without me!

Microsoft Interview Questions

One can find a lot of websites dedicated to technical interviews. However, most do not provide correct answers to the kind of questions big technology corporations ask.

I present here a compendium of tips and technical questions with their ideal responses. These should serve you good for your next interview with an industry giant like Microsoft, Google, Al's Greasy Spoon Diner etc.

Whichever school you went to (Harvard, IIT, Oneonta Community College), do not enter the interview room with a chip on your shoulder. This is plain bad hygeine. If you carry a heathen idol for luck, make sure it is not large or multi-headed. This will confuse the interviewer about who to interview. If you used to work in the movies before, remember, paddles & protection are not required for a technical interview (yet).

Remember to respond with confidence. That wishy-washy answer aint gettin' you nowhere! Remember to stay one up on the interviewer (Ha Ha! turn the tables!)

Let us jump into the technical questions now -
Q - How do you convert a big endian byte to a little endian byte?
R - Didn't do too well on the spelling bee, did you? Well, there are no big indians, and the little ones dont byte.

Q - What is your view on open source?
R - View them?!! I would say apply a little salve, foment them. They could get cantankerous.

Q - Do you love technology for technology's sake?
R - I haven't tried that yet. But you should try the sake at 'Konnichiwa Hut'. Its the best!

Q - How would you move Mount Fuji?
R - Can we make that Kilimanjaro, just to make it interesting?

Q - What is multiple inheritance?
R - Talk about luck!

Q - What does this do : 'kill -s KILL' ?
R - (This would be a good time to make a run for it..)

Some Operating System questions might leave you hanging by a thread. Dont panic. The answer is 42.

There will come a time for you to ask the interviewer some questions. At this point, you should restrain yourself from asking why they are 35, unmarried and with coffee stained teeth. Ask something to prompt further discussion. The dialogue would go something like this.

"After seeing my impeccable technical skills, where do you think this career path would take me?"
"How do you make a Big Mac?"
"Smother the undercooked meat with mayonnaise, two slices of tomatoes, cheese, lettuce (slightly black), place between bread. Throw in a large fries with extra salt, give it to the obese customer.Make the sign of the cross."
"I think that answers your question well."

Ultimately it is you who will determine whether you get the job or not. But these tips should help you get your foot in the door, (right when they slam it).

NEWS

Politics
------------
In anticipation of the India-Pakistan match, a regional political party formed a special "Diggers comittee", led by Mr. Ghatspate, a clerk in Mantralaya.When questioned on the choice of Mr. Ghatspate to lead the diggers committee, party officials said, "Mr. Ghatspate worked as a government babu for 32 years. We have plenty of evidence that shows Mr.Ghatspate knows digging."
Well said.

Movies
----------
Hindi version of 'The Princess Diaries' releases across theatres in India. It is suitably called 'Raajkumari ki diarrhoea'

Formula I
------------
Race fixing charges were leveled on the Indianapolis Grand Prix Committee. GhaatSpaat correspondents aren't surprised. Its easy to bribe anything with the words 'Indian' and 'police' in it.

National Geographic
----------------------
The indigenous clans in the jungles of Mbongonga are getting increasingly quarrelsome for each others territories. Will this result in jungle war?
Dr. Livingstone reports, "I think they will have traditional howling contests to resolve the conflict. If the noise levels get dangerous, they will just diatribe at a time."

Fourth Estate
-----------------
In only two short months (including February, which is shorter),
GhaatSpaat readership now exceeds the worlds leading publications* combined!

* Berkeley Republican Digest, The Kabul Financial, Waziristan Society.

Spring

New York Winters are deary. The foggy days, misty nights and the incesant snow. You do start wondering why people here aren't living in igloos yet. After five months of the pure white, yesterday the heavens opened.

Temperature rocketed to a sunny 55 degrees. Joggers jogged, bikers biked and the the idle oglers were reminded after six months what shapely girls in spaghetti straps look like.

People sat out in sidewalk cafes, bronzing their necks and outdoing each others smiles.

It was in such a cheery mood that the lad stepped out on the road. His clear eyes admiring the golden hue laden on all earth, his mind carefree. He was killed by a speeding truck.

Lurid looreading

The Girl who Turned into a Bed
----------------------------------
It happened that day
she picked up a strange pussy willow.
Her head swelled up white
and a soft as a pillow.

Her skin, which had turned
all flaky and rotten,
was now replaced
with 100% cotton.

Through her organs and torso
she sprouted like wings,
a beautiful set
of matress and springs.

It was so terribly strange
that I started to weep.
But at least after that
I had a nice place to sleep



Toxic Boy's Epitaph
------------------------
As Roy's soul left his body
we all said a silent prayer.
It drifted up to heaven
and left a hole in the ozone layer.

-- Tim Burton
The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy

Thank you note

I noticed a lot of people were clamouring for my favours through email. While I flatter, fawn and blush under the attention, I present here a common thank you note to all those who care.

A sample letter beseeching my favour:
"Bookmark this page www.budgetstays.com
A single stop shop for India, where you find Hotels, Homestays, Inns,Lodges,Resorts,Tour & Travel operators, Money changers, Jungle lodges,Travel agents etc.
Guests can contact Hosts direct as all contact information is available on the site. "

A Thank you to all such
--------------------------
Thanks a lot for the information. Its due to the kind generosity of people like you that my bookmark section has 684 links. All my wishes have come true by forwarding mails. I now have a large number of best friends.

My mortgage payments are in negative. I recently helped Crown Prince Otenti Bonty of Ougadougou move $5million to American Banks.

I have received $5000 from Microsoft and some free mobile phones from Nokia. My penis is now 18 inches long and my breast size is 48DD. I take viagra with my evening meals and hold 17 University Diplomas.

Sincerely,
GhaatSpaat

Just what

Just what is Gram Panchayat?
The grassroots of Indian democracy. For the people, by the people, under the peepul.

Just what is a Govinda movie?
A wooden roller coaster running off the tracks. Its fast, its noisy, and noone has any idea where its going.

Just what is a Ramsay brother's movie? (Veeraana!)
Guy takes a wrong turn, turns up in an empty house, turns into a bedroom with a girl half-naked on the bed.
Guy turns on, girl turns monster.

Let Tooth Prevail

I, like countless others was moulded into near perfection by the powers-that-be, with a snag ... No teeth.

In childhood I felt it an absolute waste to give my teeth to the cologne bathed orthodontist when the tooth fairy could always exchange it for the toy engine I wanted. But opinions were not wanted or asked for as I was virtually dragged to the plush waiting rooms of the family tooth graveyard. Later in life when I was making enough to get by, a faithful molar decided to pack its bags and be replaced by cheap ceramic.

A car needs regular servicing .. teeth shouldn't. ( Every three months, or 300 meals, whichever first, clove oil and toothbrush change.)

The waiting room was teeming with people as I picked up an outrageously outdated magazine. “Believe me, that was up to date when I came in”, a man next to me remarked. Unnerved, I leafed through the pages while observing people going into the cabin heavy-footed and emerging light-pocketed. I was wondering how much greenery would I have to shell out, when my name was called. Names of all the Hindu gods I knew, flashed through my mind as I invoked them for protection and entered.

“Hello son, after a long time ,eh?” he yapped, trying to update me on the recent political events and his opinions. My ear throbbed with the constant humdrum of his droning voice as he peered into my mouth.

"I dont think your insurance covers this". That made me listen again.

“The plaque has infested the upper molars ... It’ll need the Novcaine shot and the , extraction apparatus please ...... Did you now my son is starting in Cornell this Fall?”, he chatted. I sat up imagining my hard-earneds paying for Medieval Literature 101. “Excuse me, I’ll be back.” ,as I scrambled to the exit ... fortooth! I wasn’t going to pay for his sons education.

The evening was cool as I rounded off the corner and bumped into a the toughest individual I’d ever seen. “Looking for trouble, mayn?”, his heavy voice floated to my eardrums as a brainwave flashed through me.”

“Yeah”, I said. ... “do you know you're so ugly, they'll give you a permanent job at the freak show?”

“Oh yeah...”, he said , raising his fist,
And that's how I got it done for free.


Note: This was something written for a school essay (1995), posted with minor changes(to reduce my embarassment). Reproduced in the honour of a recent root canal.