A Visit to a Madrassa

Not the one where they teach you to have faith in the goodness of all fellow beings and donate to charity; Mind you, this was a real teach-kids-terror Madarassa.

"We have about two hundred and fifty school children here, in various stages of training". My guide started the tour.
"Violence has to be inculcated into the little minds right from childhood. Here we do it through books, films and group activities. You see a bird teaches the fledgling to fly right from when it is an egg."

That was a new one on me. But the school was named Al-Baidaa, so there had got to be something in that.

I passed a group of kids (aged three) watching Tom & Jerry cartoons. A dog was pounding the cat into the meat grinder. "That looks pretty harmless", I ventured. My guide looked at me in a Heh-Heh kind of way. "That is according to the Montessori system."

The next group of kids, five years old, were getting to the real training, he said. As I passed, they chanted out,
'Piggy on the railway, Picking up stones,
Along came an engine And broke poor Piggy's bones.
"Oh" said Piggy, "That's not fair"
"Oh" said the Engine, "I don't care" '

I moved to another group which was practicing killing innocents.
"Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all. "

Some kids were into their Play recess. "Ah, it makes your heart glow to see little kids playing.", my guide said.
The children started..
"Oranges and lemons, Say the bells of St. Clement's...
You owe me ten shillings, Say the bells at St. Helen's.
When will you pay me? Say the bells at Old Bailey.
When I grow rich, Say the bells at Shoreditch....
Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
And here comes a chopper to chop off your head. "

I moved to some older kids reading '1000 Amazing Facts for Children'.
'If all arteries, veins and capillaries from the human body were stretched end to end, they would make a path that could go four times around the moon.'

'The human brain generates enough electricity to power a electric toothbrush.'
I could see some of the kids looking at me with a glint in their eye. I left as fast as I could.

The visit to the terror-training school left me shaken. It is chilling to think of young minds growing up saying such fiendish things.

Aren't you glad your kids are not exposed to such violent literature?

Caps Shift

According to a team of researchers in Thailand, the capital Bangkok has moved nine centimeters (3.5 inches) to the south-west since the huge Indian Ocean earthquake in December. The seismologists claimed that such shifts often take place after major quakes and do not affect local people.

I beg to differ.

With the whole city shifting by 9 cms, all the people in the city are now displaced from their original homes. So Bangkok, is now a city of 'internally displaced' refugees. Quite like Darfur.

GhaatSpaat correspondents talked to some locals to see their reactions.

"I do feel a bit out of place", was the reaction of Mr. Pad Prig who runs a prawns shop in the city.

Kwan Moon, 58, blames the civic officials. "Will you tell them to stop moving the city? I feel giddy enough from the spinning earth anyway."
She is also looking for companionship.

Coomar Mangal, who is of Indian ancestry commented on the south-western shift. "I feel closer to India now", he proclaimed.

In the surrounding areas of Bangkok, people were pleasantly surprised to find nine centimeters added to their land. Ayng Pyongak who has a paddy field on the outskirts of the city was available for comment.
"My dog peed there anyway ", was his enthusiastic reaction.

In any case, this shift is miniscule compared to when the entire village of Nirali-Dhani, Gujarat shifted 7200 miles to Edison, New Jersey in 1987.

I personally, am keeping my bags packed in case Syracuse decides to shift somewhere. They aren't going anywhere without me!

Microsoft Interview Questions

One can find a lot of websites dedicated to technical interviews. However, most do not provide correct answers to the kind of questions big technology corporations ask.

I present here a compendium of tips and technical questions with their ideal responses. These should serve you good for your next interview with an industry giant like Microsoft, Google, Al's Greasy Spoon Diner etc.

Whichever school you went to (Harvard, IIT, Oneonta Community College), do not enter the interview room with a chip on your shoulder. This is plain bad hygeine. If you carry a heathen idol for luck, make sure it is not large or multi-headed. This will confuse the interviewer about who to interview. If you used to work in the movies before, remember, paddles & protection are not required for a technical interview (yet).

Remember to respond with confidence. That wishy-washy answer aint gettin' you nowhere! Remember to stay one up on the interviewer (Ha Ha! turn the tables!)

Let us jump into the technical questions now -
Q - How do you convert a big endian byte to a little endian byte?
R - Didn't do too well on the spelling bee, did you? Well, there are no big indians, and the little ones dont byte.

Q - What is your view on open source?
R - View them?!! I would say apply a little salve, foment them. They could get cantankerous.

Q - Do you love technology for technology's sake?
R - I haven't tried that yet. But you should try the sake at 'Konnichiwa Hut'. Its the best!

Q - How would you move Mount Fuji?
R - Can we make that Kilimanjaro, just to make it interesting?

Q - What is multiple inheritance?
R - Talk about luck!

Q - What does this do : 'kill -s KILL' ?
R - (This would be a good time to make a run for it..)

Some Operating System questions might leave you hanging by a thread. Dont panic. The answer is 42.

There will come a time for you to ask the interviewer some questions. At this point, you should restrain yourself from asking why they are 35, unmarried and with coffee stained teeth. Ask something to prompt further discussion. The dialogue would go something like this.

"After seeing my impeccable technical skills, where do you think this career path would take me?"
"How do you make a Big Mac?"
"Smother the undercooked meat with mayonnaise, two slices of tomatoes, cheese, lettuce (slightly black), place between bread. Throw in a large fries with extra salt, give it to the obese customer.Make the sign of the cross."
"I think that answers your question well."

Ultimately it is you who will determine whether you get the job or not. But these tips should help you get your foot in the door, (right when they slam it).

NEWS

Politics
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In anticipation of the India-Pakistan match, a regional political party formed a special "Diggers comittee", led by Mr. Ghatspate, a clerk in Mantralaya.When questioned on the choice of Mr. Ghatspate to lead the diggers committee, party officials said, "Mr. Ghatspate worked as a government babu for 32 years. We have plenty of evidence that shows Mr.Ghatspate knows digging."
Well said.

Movies
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Hindi version of 'The Princess Diaries' releases across theatres in India. It is suitably called 'Raajkumari ki diarrhoea'

Formula I
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Race fixing charges were leveled on the Indianapolis Grand Prix Committee. GhaatSpaat correspondents aren't surprised. Its easy to bribe anything with the words 'Indian' and 'police' in it.

National Geographic
----------------------
The indigenous clans in the jungles of Mbongonga are getting increasingly quarrelsome for each others territories. Will this result in jungle war?
Dr. Livingstone reports, "I think they will have traditional howling contests to resolve the conflict. If the noise levels get dangerous, they will just diatribe at a time."

Fourth Estate
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In only two short months (including February, which is shorter),
GhaatSpaat readership now exceeds the worlds leading publications* combined!

* Berkeley Republican Digest, The Kabul Financial, Waziristan Society.

Spring

New York Winters are deary. The foggy days, misty nights and the incesant snow. You do start wondering why people here aren't living in igloos yet. After five months of the pure white, yesterday the heavens opened.

Temperature rocketed to a sunny 55 degrees. Joggers jogged, bikers biked and the the idle oglers were reminded after six months what shapely girls in spaghetti straps look like.

People sat out in sidewalk cafes, bronzing their necks and outdoing each others smiles.

It was in such a cheery mood that the lad stepped out on the road. His clear eyes admiring the golden hue laden on all earth, his mind carefree. He was killed by a speeding truck.